Shimmy Shimmy, Next Man in Line, Please

I would really like to compare my current brain cell head-count to when I was in high school and see how much more I have lost than the average person. Am I dumber because of the dope that hasn’t stopped swimming through from my bloodstream for 6 years or am I wiser from the experiences I have gained with the dope flowing through my veins?

If W = Mm + P, whereas M = Mary-Jane… with a tablespoon of masturbation…. and P = Penetration, does W = Wisdom or Whoredom?

With this question raised, I am going to make several generalizations about most females regardless of age. When a woman likes to part-take in the nooks, very often and with a various amount of men, her female peers will typically pass along judgment filled with condemnation. Baruch Hashem I am surrounded by female friends who respect what I do, but there are many other females running around attempting to categorize my actions as the slutty W. Perhaps a clarification about myself is necessary; I think the women who do not fathom my actions could gain something from this: I do not consider myself a slut. By my connotation, a slut sleeps around and gives the milk for free for reasons involving psychological instability and a lack of self-esteem. On the contrary, I do what I do because…well…I don’t see any articulate way to say this………I am a horny little fuck. I don’t just have sex because I’m bored, I do it because I think with my vagina and not with my head. I genuinely want to have a good time. Some day I’ll settle down, but for now my education and career as well as my friendships come first. And that’s that.

For centuries, men have endured unlimited sexual occurrences. Let’s be honest, the men who resided in the Brownstone apartments this past year “ran a brothel,” as a male friend of mine has observed. And good for them! If you have a healthy dick, use the shitttttt of it! As for the female peers who would not know me on a personal level—I am just fighting to acquire for us this same allowance. I am not a slut, but a feminist, just pushing for women’s sexual liberties. And when I was condemned by women after the over-publicized Pulco extravaganza, I was rather saddened; not because of the terms used to describe me (girls are naturally catty, including even myself sometimes, and I guess when you do what I do, it’s bound to be controversial). I was saddened because every time I try to take a step forward for women, they in return push me 3 steps back.

They subconsciously do this because in our society, what I am doing is unheard of, or…maybe my fellow female peers are pissy because I got the dick of their choice first. Regardless, if women allowed themselves to do what I do, they would not be so catty with me. Don’t hate me because I slept with a man you were trying to pursue, just sleep with him the next night! It’s a rarity that I sleep with someone two nights in a row, so please, by all means help yourself. I guarantee that if you are not tragic looking, if you make a move on a guy complete with penis and ball sack at the bar/club, he will not reject you. Don’t ever let anyone like myself make you feel you cannot get what you want. Why can’t we all just brothelize the men if it is we women who have the final say in what goes down sexually? If we could all just brothelize each other, college would NOT be so much like high school and people would not be so scared to break gendered traditions. I preach peace over judgment. Do what you want to do! This is college, and reality has not entered our sheltered worlds yet. Take advantage of this. I beg of you. Of course, USE PROTECTION. And birth control does not mean it’s okay to reject the condom.

Last night I was pursued by one man after another. It kind of felt like speed dating. I would allow one man after the next to get his 15 minutes of fame with me. Then, he would give up, get up, and give his seat to the next bachelor waiting in line. There was a moment in which I definitely considered just going home with all of them…together…but I found myself uninterested in doing so due to the lack of challenge in the matter. Men are just so easy to sleep with. It kills my sex drive. I need a chase. But the problem with a chase is that I mean…come on, look at me. Any guy who doesn’t take the opportunity to sleep with me is either a homosexual or ashamed of his bottle-cap penis. I also despise it when a man approaches the process of sex as it were automatically happening. If you’re going to take part in the nooks with me, for god’s sake, don’t half ass it. I need foreplay and there is nothing that arouses me more than a man who openly shows that he is crazily turned on by me. Yes, I am one of those people who get turned on when looking in the mirror. So again, if you can be a challenge but at the same time act on your physical urge for me, and in effect arouse me—then you, my friend, are a genius whom I have yet to meet.