The Giver’s Manual of Oral Etiquette: The Three Acts

“You men have no idea what we’re dealing with down there. Teeth placement, and jaw stress, and suction, and gag reflex, and all the while bobbing up and down, moaning and trying to breathe through our noses. Easy? Honey, they don’t call it a job for nothin’.” —Samantha Jones, Sex and the City

Back in August I schooled the boys on how to be proper gentlemen while receiving oral sex. Now, I think it is only fair that I turn the tables over to the girls so that both parties can live up to their greatest potential. Before I begin, let me declare that I do not agree with Cosmopolitan who tells readers that its sexual advice “is how you will get your man.” I am most certainly not advocating winning over
men’s hearts by conforming to their sexual preferences. The thought of that tactic even working makes me laugh. Girls, blowjobs are just as much for your enjoyment as it is for men’s. And it is your own backbone that will win over a man’s heart, but that discussion is for another time.

The matter we are discussing this very second is blowjobs. Ladies, If you hate the aesthetics of how a dick looks, feels, and well…reacts…then odds are your blowjobs are barely sub-par. And unless you decide to change your attitude, they will always be sub-par. Oral fixation is a taste that I recommend all women to acquire. Giving oral sex truly is a mind-over-matter type of skill. If you’re not into it, trust me, he’ll be able to tell. The girls who enjoy giving head are the ones who are the best at it—and I’d bet my life on that. My long lost aunt, Samantha Jones, only delineated the difficulties so that she could successfully argue that BJs are not an effortless act. But just because something requires effort does NOT mean it’s not fun!

It is possible, though, that girls sometimes confuse their rejection of a dick with their dislike for the man behind the dick. If you usually enjoy giving oral sex but there are times when you are not enticed, it often has to do with the actual guy in addition to the aesthetics of his dick. There are times when I’m definitely not as attracted to the guy as I would like to be, and it consequently negates my blowjob
performance/experience. On the other hand, there are great men who are cursed with not-so-great penises. We Sex and the City fans remember how Samantha Jones took on the role of Goldy-Cocks when she could not settle for the dreamy James all because his penis was too small. With that being said, be very aware that blowjobs (and sex) work best when we are enthusiastic about the dick AND the beholder. We actually all play Goldy Cocks in our own ways and want a combination that is just right. Apply what we have previously discussed about
chemistry. If there is none, I am afraid the sex won’t work the way we want it to.

The duration of a blowjob can easily be compared to the basic three-act structure of a feature film. In the first act of a typical film, the conflict arises. The second act intensifies that conflict. And in the third act, there is a big climax and the conflict is resolved. In Act I of a blowjob, you arouse the dick and help it develop an erection; this is otherwise known as foreplay. Act I ends in a big scene in which the
blowjob starts. During Act II, which is always the longest, you intensify the arousal by continuing the blowjob. In Act III, you perform a grand finale and finish the blowjob with a spectacular climax.

Let’s establish the components that any BJ provider should know: lubrication, lip action, tongue action, mouth ceiling action, mushroom tip, kit-kat bar, ball action, hand grip action, deep-throating, eye contact, and lastly, moaning. As I will further explain, multitasking is essential and performing just one of the above actions at a time IS NOT ENOUGH. Do not let what wise Aunt Samantha says about effort discourage you, because the truth is that you have the man by the balls. All of the results are yielded by YOUR actions. Ladies, you are the omnipotent ones with all of the power. And power, my friends, will make you feel your sexiest.

Lubrication: This is the very first thing you need to do as you begin the blowjob and near the end of Act I. A wet, sloppy dick is a happy dick and a wet, sloppy mouth is a happy mouth. Lubrication will ensure a more intense sensation for your mouth and his dick; it is what will help you perfectly execute and experience all blowjob components. Lubrication can be done with simultaneous lip and tongue action. Your lips should make a fitted circular O that is slightly tight around his dick. Avoid touching his dick with your teeth unless he requests it. As your O lips move up-and-down from the mushroom tip to about 3/4 towards the bottom (varies by mouth and dick size), use your wet tongue to lubricate the path. And don’t just let your tongue motionlessly slide down his dick with your O lips. Move it side-to-side and all around to lubricate every square centimeter of the top, bottom, left, and right surfaces of his shaft. To rhythmically put the action into steady motion, you can either bob your head, which could easily strain your neck, or do what I do and get your whole body into it! Use your hand, too, to assist you in jerking the bottom of his dick. If your arm gets tired, ungrip his dick and lightly play with the bottom of his balls with your fingertips as you continue to suck.

If you choose to get high before taking part in sexual activity, make sure you hydrate yourself with a water-based drink in between. Lubrication tends to be a challenge if you do not. If you forget to have a drink before lubricating: fall back on starting off with some deep-throating, (which I will define in just a bit) until his dick and your mouth are substantially wet. Some girls like to begin blowjobs with deep-throating anyway while the dick is still flaccid because it enables them to get deep enough to simultaneously suck on the balls (which I shall also be clarifying in just a bit).